


Sorry Kids, the Rest of this Battle is Gonna be Adults-Only

by bonyenne



Series: MCU Soulmate Standalones [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M, Humor, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 21:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonyenne/pseuds/bonyenne
Summary: The first words your soulmate says are etched on your skin somewhere. Tony's engender certain expectations that he is determined not to meet. Darcy's are just plain ridiculous.





	

### Rhodey

"You know what I love about being in the Air Force? Getting to save people."

"Sure, I get that. I’d do it too... if I wanted to die early and unhappy, killed by my psycho soulmate. Or, now hear me out here, I could make a lucrative career in the softcore porn industry as a swashbuckling pirate. Which of those sounds more like my style?"

"Tony, please tell me you are not-"

"Kinky roleplay! You know what? I’ll even let you set it up so we don't accidentally talk to each other before we're ready. I’m sure you’d get a kick out of that level of control."

"Tony, there is no way I'll-"

" _Technically,_ I already am a captain. Specifically, Captain of the Tech Industry. I made them write it that way in Wired magazine and everything."

"...You really think that will work?"

"Well, if it doesn't there's always the boat. By the way, I bought a boat. Not a big one, can't invite many more than 200 or so to the parties, but it came with a swell captain's hat so I really couldn't say no."

Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes looked skyward and shook his head with a sigh.

"Lord, grant me the patience to deal with this man."

Tony finally stopped walking and looked him in the eye.

"Look, Sour Patch, there’s no way I’m joining the military. You’re just as aware as I am that I’d break under that kind of pressure. Besides,” he said, spreading his arms to indicate the schematics for his new Jericho project, “My mind is put to much better use building the weapons than using them.”

Rhodey was dismayed to realize for the first time that Tony’s soulmark had probably contributed to much of the pressure his best friend had been under from Howard for his entire youth. He sighed. 

“I think you’re stronger than you realize, Tones.”

Tony gave him a tight-lipped smile and began typing on the nearest keyboard. Rhodey shook his head and sighed again.

“...So about that boat party?”

### Tony

“How about Captain Steel?”

“Okay, your naming rights have been irrevocably revoked. For everything. I’m changing my legal documents and you’re no longer allowed to help name any future Stark Industry products.”

“Was I ever allowed to help name your products?”

“...Debatable, but now you’re expressly forbidden. Besides, the armor isn’t even made of steel; it’s a gold-titanium allo-”

“So Captain Titanium then? You gotta admit it’d fit with-”

Tony gasped in well-overdone fake astonishment. “Honey Bear! Are you saying that you’ve been attending my boat parties for all this time and you still don’t believe I’m an acceptable captain already? I thought you liked those! You know what, your legal party rights have been revoked too. Revocably, unfortunately. Expect invites to resume next year, there’s a chick I’ve been dying to introduce to you. Besides, Captain Steel is a horrendous name; it sounds like a villainous version of Captain America or something. I’m going with Iron Man.”

“Well does it even matter what either of us want? He’s anonymous - the media can keep calling him whatever they want.”

“Hmmm... Good point.”

“Wait, Tony, no!”

### Jane

“You know, I always thought my soulmate was going to be an incompetent cop, but now that you’ve got us tangled in all this ridiculousness I’m beginning to suspect that there’s a very real chance they’ll be one of these jack-booted thugs instead.”

“Well I’m still not going to go easy on them if they break any more of my machines. Don’t they understand how delicate this equipment is?”

Jane glared at the agents overrunning her lab, hugging the most recently rescued machine to her chest. Darcy, Best Assistant Ever, understood Jane’s distress and made a point to stand in the way of anything and everything she could, complaining nonstop about how her soulmate had better not be as terrible as these guys (paradoxically making it both more likely that one of them would want to say her words and less likely that one of them would have the opportunity to say them at all).

(They didn’t appear. Darcy complained some more.)

### Pepper

“Does Steve know what you’re doing with his shield?”

“Please, Pep, do you really think he’d let me play around with his baby like that? I told him Dum-E stole it, they like each other for some reason.”

“....So what exactly  _ are  _ you doing to it?”

“To the shield? Absolutely nothing. This is a replica. And I’m technically not doing anything to that either, it’s already done. Looks pretty perfect though, right? Please, feel free to congratulate me for refraining from upgrading the original while I was at it, you have no idea how tempted I was to repaint. Wait, what are you doing here again?”

“I’m here to inform you that the Employee Halloween party started about forty minutes ago, which you would have known if you’d been preparing with everyone else. Is that supposed to be your costume?”

“What? No! Why, what am I wearing?”

Pepper raised an immaculately glittered eyebrow at Tony’s Captain America t-shirt and ripped jeans. Dum-E held up the shield he was polishing, angling it so Tony could see his reflection.

“Oh, no, this was a gift from Clint. I think it’s supposed to be ironic. I’m going as Iron Man, obviously.”

“Well then hop in and let’s get going.”

“The Mark 5p1d3r is already there, I built it into the decorations. Just you wait for it Pep, Steve is gonna wet his  _ pants  _ when all the spiders come converging on us in one big wave. JARVIS, don’t forget to record!”

Tony grabbed the shield and made his way to the elevator. Pepper sighed and followed, beginning to map out plans in her head for dealing with the panicked guests that would invariably accompany the swarm of mechanical spiders. At least it was thematic?

### Darcy

Funnily enough, suggesting a game of Heroes and Villains when she was the only one dressed like a villain had actually been one of Darcy’s best ideas. It turned out that the tactics used against sleep-deprived scientists worked rather well against sugar-hyped kids, and without much difficulty she’d managed to lure them all into the roped off area slightly away from the main event space as the event coordinators set up the next activity.

She stationed herself in front of the only clear exit and gestured menacingly with her plastic scepter. “You can’t stop me now! I’ve planted a candy bomb under this very floor and it’s rigged to go off in twenty seconds!”

The kids cheered. Darcy hesitated for a moment, wondering how to proceed with this unexpected reaction.

“Captain America will save us!”

“You can’t beat Captain America!”

They pointed over her shoulder and she spun, making eye contact with one Tony Stark, who was for some reason carrying the good captain’s shield and wearing a shirt bearing his insignia. 

He raised an eyebrow.

Darcy grinned and flung her arm out, pointing the scepter at him with an evil cackle.

"You're too late, Captain! This place is about to blow, and I'm taking you down with me!”

He stared at her for a good ten seconds while the kids cheered even louder, then shrugged a shoulder and grinned back, adjusting his stance into something more reminiscent of the Star-Spangled Man with a Plan.

### Steve

“Stand down, you mischievous scallywag, or you will be stood!”

Steve looked up at the shout ringing throughout the atrium. Tony was standing opposite Thor’s friend Darcy, holding Steve’s shield and posing heroically.

“Please tell me I don’t sound like that.”

Clint patted Steve on the shoulder. “You don’t sound like that.”

Natasha nodded. “You’re much worse.”

Tony hefted the shield, gave the most overblown superhero laugh Steve had ever heard (he  _ definitely  _ didn’t sound like that), and sent it flying at Darcy. The punch bowl went crashing to the floor as both Steve and Clint dove toward the action, well aware that there was no way they’d stop the shield in time.

Darcy had just enough time to register the words (and the shield flying at her face) before it hit her scepter and dissolved in a shower of candy. The kids shrieked and dropped to the ground, scrambling for the spoils. Darcy shrieked and hit the ground a split second later, steamrolled by 220 pounds of super soldier.

Natasha laughed.


End file.
